Crossing the Line
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| THIS is the heart of God |
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| Hearts can be deceitful and filled with mystery |
It was an inexplicable response - one that revealed the heart of the matter, God's heart. After the initial shock, my thoughts went to his pastor. His pastor who cared for him, prayed for him, eagerly awaited his return home from a long deployment, sent a care package overseas and must have been overjoyed upon his return.
Just 5 days ago he was praying at the end of the church service-sounding very spiritual and righteous. Did his pastor know that, within less than one week, he would turn his ministerial credentials into the district superintendent, effectively ending his pastoral ministry? Ending his service at the church, signaling that he would not fight the lurid and detailed allegations leveled against him of sexual sin, emotional cruelty, immaturity and deception?
I was in a church room, all by myself, waiting for a reception for my father-in-law, and I was stunned as I read the email. I actually had some difficulty breathing, I was so shocked. I had to force myself to eventually go inside and make small talk and introductions with people I didn't know well, struggling with thoughts that, with a quick scan of facebook, revealed that he is still happily and affectionately with his girlfriend, but not his church.
Now, I don't actually know if he will still be attending his church. Those are some questions I also had: will he be attending at all? If he is attending, will he still be helping out in worship services? Has he left his faith, too? How did his pastor react to this turn of events? What conversations were had with him? When did he know about my detailed allegations? His resignation is, in effect, an admission of guilt. Is it not? Did he resign to spare the church a long, painful investigation process? Knowing his patterns of behavior, the resignation was a way to avoid accountability. Perhaps he knew he wouldn't withstand the scrutiny and decided to stop pretending and just throw in the towel. If he is sexually active with his girlfriend, at least now the pressure of pretending is over. He doesn't need his ministerial endorsement to be a National Guard Chaplain anymore because I'm sure he was medically retired from the NG. So, why struggle with the duality? He has the woman he appears very happy with close to his side, what does he need his pastor's credentials for anyway?
Maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe I don't. I can't help but wonder.
But, more mysterious to me were my tears and groans of despair I cried as I asked God to bring healing to his church, the pastoral team and all the faithful and devoted saints who call that church their spiritual home. Was there any communication with them that he is no longer a Nazarene pastor? What about their shock and hurt? Will they know? Is he subject to counseling and pastoral care now that he will not fight charges of sexual misconduct? Is he subject to any disciplinary process in the church if he remains? Or has left altogether?
He was praying spiritual and very religious-sounding prayers just 5 days ago.
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| "Those who sow in tears... |
And so, my heart breaks for all that his actions mean for those who have loved him, embraced him and been encouraged by him. His sin and deceit have been exposed. He will not be expected to apologize to me. He never was going to anyway, but he certainly won't be pressured to now.
I am grieved and heartbroken about being the one to expose this man's sins. Nothing in me takes pleasure in this. Nothing whatsoever. I am deeply grieved and saddened. I think of his son. What does this say to his son? I think of his ex-wife. What must she think? She refused to be part of his ordination service so many years ago but was cajoled and heavily pressured to be there. She knew who he really was, didn't she?
But in the end it was always about this: God loves his church and judgement begins in the house of the Lord. This process was the most merciful and kind way to bring about truth and health to that little church he belonged to. I am sad if he has run from accountability and avoided any responsibility to apologize to his church for his sins and to me. Perhaps he has apologized to them. Perhaps he is going to submit to care and counsel. I can only pray and hope that he does.
I will trust God for this next season of putting this behind me, despite the many questions I have. I will pray for answers to those questions. I will continue to pray that the part of me that still grieves the loss of his fun personality and warmth, those narcissistic hooks, will one day not hurt anymore. I will continue to pray that what I loved most about him was his infectious and delighted love for God and the church. I'm not sure where he is at with God at this time, but I know that the good work that God began in him he will complete. This former pastor can run from me, his church, the "calling" on his life he so confidently declared to me, but he CANNOT RUN FROM GOD. The ever-loving, merciful, faithful, powerful and relentless love of God encircles him from behind and in front.
AMEN
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