Thunderbolt of Courage

     “You have it all” she said. I reflected on the context in which that statement was made from my therapist. I had described the agonizing decision I had made to send an email which I likened to, “Throwing a grenade into three church offices.” The email detailed descriptions of sexual sin and cruel, unkind behavior on the part of an ordained minister towards me. His refusal to acknowledge the sin we both committed and the immature, selfish way he avoided repentance and biblical reconciliation – several years after the fact – was detailed in that email. I tried so hard to “let it go and move on” but with the lack of any response from pastoral leadership – who should know better - I felt that the next step was to document everything in writing. Hence, the detailed email, complete with biblical references applied to the different actions described in the email.  I ran it through ChatGPT multiple times with various configurations and prompts added. I then read the email document and rewrote parts of it, custom-fitting it in my own words to reflect my heart and thoughts about it – as well as questions, seeking answers in as humble and direct manner as I could write.

     Forty-eight hours later and I have not received a response yet. I also forwarded a copy of the email to my own church and highlighted Pastor D's name on it. He is the pastor I originally spoke to about the situation 6 months ago and again, just recently, prayed with me about my ongoing turmoil about the situation not being addressed biblically.

     I am a thunderbolt who lights things on fire – burning down that which is old, brittle, deadwood – not able to withstand the fires of truth, justice and most importantly, biblical love which embodies Jesus Christ, the Savior and Great High Priest who is ruling and reigning in the heavens above and the earth below. The Great Commission – to go into all the world and make disciples of all men - is being hampered by Christian leaders who are not fit for duty. Their duty is to address sin and bring about biblical restoration to leaders who are diseased by hidden, unconfessed sin – so that those sheep don’t infect the others. Their job is to also bind up those sheep who have been wounded and hurt – so that all sheep are fit for duty and able to follow their leader wherever He leads. The Great Commission requires both elements to be in play in a healthy, robust way.   

     So, when I described the email and asked my therapist’s input about the decision to either send it or not send it, she took me through the conversation we had about the situation over the past two years.

     On the verge of sending that lightning bolt email, she pointed out that I had arrived at the place where I couldn’t let the issue go, but that my motives for sending it were, in part, for a greater good – the health of the church. In a smaller way, it was to help the pastor as well. Just as importantly, it would help me, too. She mentioned Maslow’s pyramid, and how this action would rank as a “top of the pyramid” level action. Especially because I desire to glorify God and to build up the church. She said that some people want to address these serious character flaws and the reluctance of the church to properly address it, but that I was equipped and capable of doing it and not falling apart but standing strong and seeing the issue through. Perhaps, being courageous happened over many trials and God's sanctifying work in my heart and mind and soul. Perhaps.

     Her statement, said with sincerity, “You’ve got it all” reminded me of this scripture I had memorized and meditated often:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)

     Was the part in bold-face type what she was referring to? Was this ability to doggedly pursue God’s glory, justice and accountability the result of all the trials that I had previously gone through, praising God amid my tears and anguish? Perhaps so.