If You Say So....Luke 5:4-7 (NASB)

From my September 18 blog post: "As I was waiting just beyond the finish line, I noticed the athletes as they came through. Some looked relieved, some looked elated, but many looked exhausted and spent and needed a few moments to slow themselves down." I sensed as I watched these athletes that this was a picture for me. From my October 18th blog post, "Crossing the Line" I describe how a difficult and painful season has come to an end for me. I have "crossed that line" and like those tired, weary athletes, God had a message already prepared for me: "You will need some time to catch your breath and to heal from this race. It was rigorous and exhausting and your soul needs extra care and time." Such kindness and tenderness from my Good Shepherd. Since this matter is "done" I am expected by those who know and love me to now, "move on" and "let it go." But my heart is still struggling with all those unanswered questions....

  THIS is the heart of God It was an inexplicable response - one that revealed the heart of the matter, God's heart. After the initial shock, my thoughts went to his pastor. His pastor who cared for him, prayed for him, eagerly awaited his return home from a long deployment, sent a care package overseas and must have been overjoyed upon his return. Just 5 days ago he was praying at the end of the church service-sounding very spiritual and righteous. Did his pastor know that, within less than one week, he would turn his ministerial credentials into the district superintendent, effectively ending his pastoral ministry? Ending his service at the church, signaling that he would not fight the lurid and detailed allegations leveled against him of sexual sin, emotional cruelty, immaturity and deception? I was in a church room, all by myself, waiting for a reception for my father-in-law, and I was stunned as I read the email. I actually had some difficulty breathing, I was so shocked. I ha...

Here are pictures of my daughter Chloe at her triathlon this last weekend. My younger daughter and I got there early, found Chloe and took these fun pictures. Then we waited near the finish line….and waited….and waited….and waited some more. They were taking down the signs when Chloe finally crossed that finish line. I couldn’t have been more proud. Me and my triathlete Chloe doesn’t do anything halfway. Once she puts her mind to something she is ALL IN. With her recent move down to Long Beach for school and adjusting to her new living situation, she didn't have a lot of time to train for her race. This was only her second triathlon. She had fun and I’m proud of her for finishing. As I was waiting just beyond the finish line, I noticed the athletes as they came through. Some looked relieved, some looked elated, but many looked exhausted and spent and needed a few moments to slow themselves down. It was interesting noting the different responses. I saw the cheerleading sections of d...

"We're going to follow the policies from the Church manual with this situation." Those were the words I had been waiting to hear for almost 8 months now. In fact, when I spoke with my pastor at the church I was attending, that was my question to him: how does the church handle these kinds of things? He didn't have an answer for me - but he should have. It's written in the policy manual for the church. Those policies are detailed and specific. They are quite stringent and they are fair . That is, they are based on biblical guidelines which are the wisdom and provision of God for grace and protection in ALL matters. She herself was rather cold and matter-of-fact, which is perfect for how she needs to be to approach this issue. She asked about the long time which had passed - more than two years - and I felt ashamed and discouraged at what felt like a criticism and an unspoken question: "Why did you wait so long to report it?" She didn't say...

My happiest summer picture in a field with cows nearby sitting in natural hot springs        So, my French exchange student left today. She had been here for 5 weeks and I struggled to relate to her. She was guarded and aloof and hardly ever said thank you. I complained about her a lot and it drove my daughters nuts. Towards the end of her stay, she overheard my comments. When I walked her to the customs gate at the airport, she seemed almost tearful, and I wasn't sure why. When I was driving home with my daughter Julia, she told me that Louise had overheard my negative comments about her and that she was really hurt. Ohh...snap! I talked to two daughters about my shitty attitude later and my mistake in even having an exchange student. My expectations were not met and it was so hard having a girl who almost never said thank you and didn't emote in many ways at all. She had a closed off energy about her and it was just...hard. I wish I had known earlier in the day bec...

      “You have it all” she said. I reflected on the context in which that statement was made from my therapist. I had described the agonizing decision I had made to send an email which I likened to, “Throwing a grenade into three church offices.” The email detailed descriptions of sexual sin and cruel, unkind behavior on the part of an ordained minister towards me. His refusal to acknowledge the sin we both committed and the immature, selfish way he avoided repentance and biblical reconciliation – several years after the fact – was detailed in that email. I tried so hard to “let it go and move on” but with the lack of any response from pastoral leadership – who should know better - I felt that the next step was to document everything in writing. Hence, the detailed email, complete with biblical references applied to the different actions described in the email.   I ran it through ChatGPT multiple times with various configurations and prompts added. I then re...

      My first fascination with swans was watching the movie "The Notebook." Yes, that famous, tear-inducing movie which artfully and powerfully evoked so much emotion over its dynamic and visceral display of an enduring, passionate and elegant love story. The scene where the two young lovers are in the row boat on the lake filled with swans had the most beautiful music playing in the background. I actually bought the soundtrack and would remember how beautiful that love story was and how I cried with a longing and a renewed tenderness and appreciation for Tim.       That was so long ago. And yet, I still find swans beautiful. In fact, many years later I was visiting Camille in Idaho in February of 2022. We were taking a hike through a snowy wooded area and I noticed swans swimming in a river nearby. I walked closer to the river's snowed-in shore, pulling myself out of sinkholes in the snow, to get a closer look. There they were;  swans in the dar...

     Well, I didn't actually have a date with a handsome man, but I really enjoyed talking with a very handsome man and we danced one dance, too. It was really lovely having nice conversation with him and enjoying his handsomeness. I wasn't a very good dancer, and rather self-conscious about it - and very tired from a brutal week. But, I had fun and it was beautiful on Catalina Island. The venue was historic and majestic in every way. So many people at the ball were dressed in their Roaring 20's gowns and 3-piece suits. It was absolutely marvelous to behold!      Daisy and I had a great time. It was very expensive and I don't think I'll do it again, but I'm so glad it was on my list and that I got to check it off.      Next up - the rodeo in Salinas this summer!  

 It has been a very busy season. I have had long weeks where I taught and worked my regular job at least 5 days a week. Most locations included long drives which cut into my sleep and free time. Birthday season has been upon us, as well,  with 3 birthdays in 3 weeks. I have made it to most celebrations, but not all. One weekend was Leanne's birthday weekend where she had an out-of-town friend over and they had a party on Sunday evening. By Monday, my only day off that week, the house was a disaster with post-weekend hosting and parties. So, on that precious day off this is what I did: -took the cat to the vet for a follow up appointment then dropped the cat off at home -went to Joann's for clearance quilting fabric and then Costco for groceries -did 5 loads of laundry -cleaned out the refrigerator -cleaned the kitchen -finished Seda's quilt                                       ...

      It was mid-January 2025 and I had a bucket list item to "Go to a fancy dress up ball with a handsome man" but I would be able to check off the item with just "Go to a fancy dress ball." Daisy heard me mention this bucket list item and popped up with, "Why don't you go to the Art Deco Ball on Catalina with me and my dance group?" What....is...that...?! It's this! And this! Doesn't that look grand and fancy-dress-ball-bucket-list-check-off worthy?! I think so! I bought the 20's style dress, with matching feather and jewel head band right away as well as some proper dress shoes. My reasoning was that as I saw that beautiful dress hanging in the closet I would be motivated to go to dance classes which would allow me to actually dance - and sort of have fun doing it - while I looked ravishing in my gorgeous green and blue peacock sequined ball gown.      So, my next step was to start aforementioned dance lessons. I could only afford group ...

     It was Spring Break for Julia from Arcadia High School. I didn't plan any trips with her because I was working my regular job and subbing for a clinical job. I took her to Clocker's Corner at Santa Anita Race Track. We watched the horses at the end of their morning workout and had coffee, eggs and a muffin. We then went to the Arboretum across the street and enjoyed our walk amidst spring blooms everywhere. It was gorgeous!      Camille came into town the following day. We went wedding dress shopping with her and "oohhs" and "aahhs" were heard throughout the wedding dress shop as she tried on various dresses. The dress which won our hearts, however, was a $20 wedding dress which Daisy's boss had and was selling at a vintage clothing fair (the one at the top of this page). It needs some cleaning and alterations, but we loved the tasteful fairy princess vibe it gave off and Camille looked splendid in it.      We celebrated April birthdays ...

      This past Christmas was quite fabulous in many ways, starting with Christmas Eve. Tim and Josie (Tim's new wife) brought a new karaoke machine for the girls to sing along to. We played games, ate delicious food, laughed and had fun. The next day on Christmas other family came by as well as Josie and Tim. Fun was had by all and we ate heartily, laughed some more, gave gifts and celebrated being together for the holidays...mostly.      While in the kitchen Tim was helping me wash the dishes. We came close to each other in our movements around the kitchen and this ache of familiarity and comfort grabbed at me gently, strongly, so encompassing. How I missed my sweet ex-husband who, despite the grief and heartache of our marriage, had been my friend and companion for decades. In all the ugly, empty, heart-wrenching moments of my marriage, he always remained physically attractive to me.  Amidst the holiday celebrating, my heart ached in missing him. ...

 There are times when I'm brought back in my imagination to that place in the desert, the military base which I've constructed from actual photos. I can only imagine what it actually looked like to him. The photos are very few and limited in what they show. Day by day for about 6 months I imagined him waking and going to sleep. I tried to think about what his day looked like, although I had no idea. I read several books on military chaplains on deployment. I read about their duties, their locations, the challenges they faced and the things they did. I tried to picture him in many of these activities. Mostly, I saw him listening to service members share their struggles and he in turn giving counsel, guidance, comfort, and praying with them. That was not hard to imagine. It baffles me to this day, totally mystifies me, as to why I cared so much. Why was I so curious? Why do those memories drift across my consciousness now that I know there was another woman who was privy to all t...

       He asked me, again , to meet him in his room because he needed "to talk." Bipolar, mixed phase sliding toward the more depressive side, with notable paranoia. The other nurses and I had animated conversations about his constant, attention-seeking paranoid delusions as being just that - attention seeking and thus, behavioral in nature. I on the other hand, having taken care of him for several days throughout the week, noted the genuine fear in the paranoid delusions. "When I was in the ER, they gave me IV fluids and I think they poisoned me....When I was sleeping at the hospital before I came to this one, I think I got raped. My butt hurts....I got raped, I know it. I think I have HIV. I want an HIV test.....I have a headache, I think I have a brain tumor. I want a CT scan. Call the doctor NOW-I need an Xray of my head!"  And on and on the delusions went. I patiently attempted to address each one and, if need be, contact the doctor to see if further testin...

          The shift had started out fairly routine on the inpatient psychiatric unit I worked on. After getting my patient assignment I went to speak to each of my patients. One of my patients had very serious substance abuse problems and had told me about being a dancer and an artist* overseas in her earlier years. So, of course, I googled her name and yes, she had, in fact, been a very beautiful model at one time. The years of alcohol abuse, eating disorders, drug abuse, and multiple medical issues had aged her significantly. She had been physically beautiful with strawberry blonde hair, chiseled cheekbones, and clear aquamarine eyes. What remained was shades of her former beauty, wrinkles around those beautiful, now-faded blue eyes and blotchy skin. The most attractive thing about her was a sharp, intelligent and slightly sarcastic wit.  I liked her. We talked extensively about her life and I found her charming and brilliant, if not sad and aging i...