It's Been So Long

Smiley me in the sunshine next to the San Gabriel River this morning in Azusa Canyon.

     Blogging has gone out of style in 2025. It's been over a decade since I've written in this blog, primarily because my creative writing juices have dried up, so to speak. There are many reasons for this; busyness, stress, time suckers like social media and massive life changes.

     I don't aim to update this blog, per se, but to pick up at this spot, so many years later since the last post. I am aiming to post more regularly, knowing it will probably not be read by anyone IRL - a new acronym since I stopped blogging. The fact that it could be read by someone is enough to motivate me to put some effort into make it interesting and something that I would like to read in the years to come. I'd like it to be an accurate reflection of where I'm at now in whichever way I choose. It's so different from social media where people know others will see what they post. The temptation to only post "Instagram-worthy" photos and to present an ideal image is quite intense. This blog has never been about that. I didn't intentionally put ugly pictures of myself and my children up for the world to see in my various blogs, but I was honest about what was happening in our lives, mostly.

     I'm not on social media anymore, which is a recent occurrence. I'm so relieved. I feel like my life and activities and even my appearance can be cocooned away in the world that used to exist - a world in which people far away could only see what you looked like that day from photos or, well, I don't really know. There are plenty of people who post things online without ever posting photos of themselves as they are currently. That's not really the point. The point is that recently I deleted all of my social media apps from all of my devices. I had obsessed over a man in which I was hoping to rekindle a relationship with for almost two years. I just recently discovered that he had another woman he seems to be in love with and she posts pictures - fabulous looking photos - of her life, her accomplishments, her children, and her happy, ebullient-looking boyfriend. She, of course, is beautiful. Of course.

     But that is all in the recent past. To reshape my habits of checking if he had returned from his extra long deployment, when he indicated that he "might" call me when he got back, getting off social media altogether, vigilantly, and completely was my only hope for moving on, healing and recovering. And I absolutely did not want to be tempted to peek at his girlfriend's Instagram page and see happy photos, engagement photos, wedding photos, etc. I can be kind to myself.

     This whole discussion begs the most obvious update on this blog: where is Tim in all this?! He and I divorced in 2022, one month before our 30th wedding anniversary. I felt relieved and set free after a semi-challenging divorce process. Two and half years away from it I've begun to think about what actually happened. So, here goes: Julia was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes in 2019. She was just 10 years old and it was a very scary and hard adjustment. It mandated a job change for me to a more challenging working environment with an awful manager. I was so miserable and stressed out at that job. I gained about 40 pounds and was miserably heavier than I had ever been. Work pressures at Tim's job were getting worse and worse. He was being bullied by his students and his administrators. He was having severe, debilitating, long, depressive episodes, drinking hard liquor and our communication and sex life plummeted. We were having a hard time getting plugged in to a church where we could have a supportive care group and pastor to help us. Leanne was still struggling with psychogenic seizures and I was also trying to recover from my brother's death in 2017. Life was just hard. Miserable. So difficult.

     Then COVID occurred. Nothing improved with COVID. The girls were miserable not being in school and the lawsuits Tim had filed with a Worker's Comp attorney were going nowhere fast. The pressure cooker of life during COVID was almost unbearable. One late night, Tim was rearranging all of Julia's cords and chargers in her room - including her cell phone and insulin pump charger, when she started screaming at Tim to stop. Somehow, Daisy was upset because her cords and chargers were getting rearranged, too. I tried to intervene then walked away, but it was almost 11 pm and I so desperately wanted everyone to go to bed. Nothing I was doing could settle anyone down - the girls were screaming and Tim was completely ignoring them, causing them to scream hysterically. This was not unusual of Tim to ignore our pleas to change something about his irritating or inconsiderate behavior - he simply ignored us or defended himself. In my exhaustion and desperation to get all the screaming to stop - I shoved Tim as he was bending down right in front of the piano. I was instantly horrified at what I had done. He screamed and the girls looked terrified. I began to apologize, but Tim was furious. An ill-fated family meeting the following day where I tried to apologize to Tim and the girls for what I did and discuss what led up to it failed with Tim storming off and blaming me for everything.

     Several months later we put our home on the market for sale. It sold in 10 days. We moved out about 1 week later. What follows is a story for my next blog post. Writing all of this down is rather wearisome. This is a good stopping point.

A beautiful scene near the river bank. I desperately needed some nature time. It was uncrowded and I was delighted to take in how beautiful and serene it was.

Near the water's edge. The gently gurling water was so delightful!