2025: The Year of the Tear Down
ChatGPT generated this picture with some edits from me. On the left hand side, slightly lower, is a dilapidated, simply village which represents real life; the hard and ugly parts, the mundane and the broken down. In this picture you see my glasses on top of a Bible-my guidebook and inspiration. I am weak and broken, too, hence the need for glasses. Then there's the vintage sewing machine and the pins and spools of thread; the building blocks of my work. The pins hold things together and the spools are different colors for different area which express different parts of my advocacy work. There's the candle, because modern, bright lighting is not a reality - I only see dimly into the whole picture. There's the cross against the wall - simple, plain, unadorned but the focal point of my vision - it stands between the now - the dilapidated village, and the not yet - the beautiful city on a hill - what I am longing for. The scales of justice are next to the books and the village picture - an important part of this year; my advocacy work. In the foreground are the stitched words: TRUTH, ACCOUNTABILITY, and in light dots - not filled in - is REPENTANCE. The repentance has not happened yet - it is not "filled in."Prominently near the window is a stained glass heart with broken pieces fused together and some light filling in. Ahh, yes - my broken heart.
It's an interesting picture. One year ago, on New Year's Eve - I had no idea the hell that awaited right around the corner. The fires which burned down so much of Altadena and parts of Pasadena as well as the Palisades, were utterly devastating. Then, right around the corner, on the eve of returning from a 3 month leave of absence for hysterectomy surgery, was the "burn down" of hope that HB and I would ever be together. He had been in a long term relationship since before we even ended things - I'm fairly confident of that. Devastating.
March brought good news, though, with the start of the all 12 hour staffing. A short victory at work to be sure. Then, two months later the start of reduced night shift staffing and the first ADOs filed. I began to work on my CN3 project in late April, but early July would be the "disciplinary" actions and my promotion would be blocked. Also during July, in following up regarding my complaint about HB to the Nazarene leadership, a painful, heart-wrenching journey would begin to obtain some accountability.A measure of justice came 21/2 months later with the terse email indicating that "HB has surrendered his ministerial credentials and nothing else is needed from you at this time." Ugly and blunt, but definitive to a certain degree. In my heart and mind, my inquiries and pursuit of justice are over regarding that situation. And yet, the other night I felt God tugging at my heart, "I have not forgotten that there is an outstanding debt. Read what I spoke to you again." That impression sent me into a tailspin of agony - oh, please don't reopen old wounds. But no, the Lord reassured, what I spoke about a debt I guaranteed payment for WILL BE paid because I put my name on that and I promised you. You don't need to do anything but receive the notice that, 'Account has been paid in full'" and the relief, joy and freedom that comes from that coming reality. Yes, Lord, I receive whatever you have for me. You know the tears I have cried and the brokenness of my heart and soul over this man. And yet, Paz Naz elected a new, young, visionary pastor from the midWest. I sensed profoundly that HB being removed from ministry is what broke the stronghold for this man to be elected. There was a battle at PazNaz to install Brad S a man whom the Lord stated, "Loves me but does not fear me." He was not God's man for Pasadena Nazarene Church. The new pastor was - and yet there was a battle and part of the battle was won and victory paved by removing the stronghold of a deceitful, unworthy pastor from a nearby church, HB. How was HB removed? My tears, prayers, fasting and many many, carefully worded, patiently sent emails.
And then, there is the reality of the current retaliation going on at work. I'm being put under the microscope with untrustworthy co-workers filing reports about me and getting me into trouble. The horrible PPC quarterly meeting and the agony over that. Then, just yesterday the CDPH investigator with a "no finding of patient safety or intimidation." THUD. That landed uncomfortably and emboldens management even more against me. When SUsan gets back, whenever, then the hammer is going to come down on my with another write up and probably probation - all for lies and mischaracterization. And yet, I can be emotionally labile and my anger has always been my undoing. Oh, how humbling and painful to yet again be struggling. My loving and heavenly Father calls me to continually seek him and his grace. About two weeks ago I was inquiring as to why God had me go against management and his answer was clear, "That $500 million hospital they are building thinks that it belongs to me. You are here to show them that it doesn't. It belongs to me. I am the author and architect of that facility which will care for my loved ones and will represent my love and provision and care to that surrounding community and those who are hurting. All who will be affected by the facility in anyway are under my grace and care and provision. It belongs to ME." Wow....at your service.
And so, God called me to tear down strongholds of sin, deceit, selfishness, inefficiency and cruelty. My tearing down exposed some ugly things. It was a profoundly painful and difficult year.
I sense 2026 is the year of "debris removal and foundation building." I'm not sure what that means exactly. Camille's wedding is in 6 weeks - yikes! And I start school around that time. I will continue to prepare the PERB charge and fight the retaliation I have experienced. I will work with Indra and Andi on a staff survey for management to see how the staff feels about the staffing and workflow at RNPH. I will also continue my project about coping skills which I am very excited about. I will continue to work on all of my fun sewing and embroidery projects. I will also pray and seek God and sit at his feet. I want to lose 10 pounds and start an exercise program. I also want to hike twice a month.
Thank you Lord for your goodness, whatever lay ahead.
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