Thursday, August 20, 2009
Dramatic Change of Heart - continued
So, where was I before my crazy vacation? Oh yes, my current change of heart. On the last day of school for Chloe, who finished kindergarten, and Leanne, who finished2nd grade, I looked back at the school as the girls got into the car and I said "goodbye." I had felt that I was done with that school, at least for the next year. I had an inexplicable desire to homeschool the girls. Chloe was looking at being retained for kindergarten, which neither Tim nor I was thrilled about. Leanne had had just a so-so year. I realized how difficult it had been to have two in public school while having two being homeschooled and in a co-op at church. I was in two different worlds and I couldn't give myself to either world. I didn't really commit myself to anything and it was depressing to me. When I was pregnant with Julia school was good for Leanne and Chloe because both were helped in ways that I couldn't provide. And when Julia was a newborn I was so distraught and traumatized over all that had happened with her birth and challenges with Tim that I didn't have anything extra to give emotionally. I barely hung on last year with my older girls.
However, I had planned to have my middle girls in school for years to come and eventually homeschool them later. But to have them all home was quite a different decision. Let's see....so that would be homeschooling a high schooler, a middle schooler, two elementary grade schoolers, with a 3 and a 1 year old at home. All day. Every day. And on and on and on. Ummm...WHY?! That's exactly what Tim thought and he was not so enthusiastic. We talked many times about it and I had grown so excited about the idea of them being all home again that I was having a hard time with his resistance. We set up an appointment with our pastor to discuss the issue. I got stuck in bad traffic and couldn't make it. Then Chloe's teacher noted dramatic progress during summer school and they wanted to promote her to 1st grade. Although Tim was more in favor of homeschooling Chloe (and hence, Leanne, too) than retaining her, when she was going to be promoted he wanted her and Leanne in school. My plans were derailed. I knew Tim really didn't want them homeschooled because he didn't see why I would do that when the best elementary school in all of PUSD is our neighborhood school.
So, back to the pastor we went. This time, I wasn't stuck in traffic. And even more amazingly, I had decided to go with whatever decision Tim made - cheerfully and with no negative emotion. This was even more dramatic about me than wanting to homeschool them. That I would not argue my case (I had considered law school before becoming a teacher. Tim knows I would have been a great lawyer, unfortunately)and plead with Tim and get all emotional over a vision and a desire that had awoken inside me was perhaps the most dramatic change in me throughout this whole process. However, I was really depressed about the thought of putting them in school. But, I determined to have a good attitude about it.
The counseling appointment with our wise, even-keeled, gracious pastor went very well. Midway through the appointment, Tim strongly leaned toward putting Leanne and Chloe in school. "Okay," I said. "Your feelings matter and if you're not comfortable with homeschooling them, then we'll put them in school." I really had a good attitude, even as I tried so hard not to let my tears show. "Be strong, Laura - don't cry!" I told myself. I was trying so hard in those moments to trust that God would help me with putting them in school.
And then the question came. Matter-of-fact, curious: "And you think this is the best decision for Laura and the girls?" my pastor asked. Tim looked like he hadn't thought of that before. He was now posed with a very important question. And before too long he said: "We'll homeschool them."
The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord. He turns it like a watercourse wherever he wills..." Proverbs (not sure exactly which one)
So, we'll see how this goes. I really am looking forward to it.