Monday, January 5, 2015

Tiny Seeds

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. -Psalm 126:5-6 
tiny mustard seed
     I have a picture of tiny mustard seeds in my hand. I'm clutching to them because that's all I have. The year 2015 that lay before me seems entirely daunting; finishing nursing school, getting a job, seeing Camille graduate from high school, sending her off to college - or having her stay home, deciding where Leanne will attend high school, Elena possibly leaving for the entire summer, Dad's cancer recovery, Julia's learning challenges - so many significant endings, beginnings, comings and goings.....I'm weary already.
     It's such a contrast to last year where I pictured myself standing in great faith and praying bold prayers. I have done that this last year. But as 2014 wound down, I felt wound down by a brutal 3rd semester, a cruel and unpredictable instructor, painful friendship challenges and my dad's cancer diagnosis. I stumbled through the holidays emotionally numb and muted.
     At this juncture, right after the new year, as our family schedule is about to reset into predictability, I'm having a hard time knowing where to begin praying. So, I've had tearful, desperate moments of feeble prayers. I have scolded myself for not believing that God wants to hear and answer. I've had this mindset that I must work very hard at praying and pouring my heart out to God, writing all my detailed prayers down and having pages and pages of requests to bring to him. Because you see, the needs are so great, so specific, so important....
     But all I have are these tiny little seeds of prayers to plant in the garden of time where I go to him as I am. Here I am....and scripture tells me that he takes all seeds of prayerful faith and does with them what he will. I do trust him. I do believe he wants to help me with each concern, worry, fear, need.
     I suppose the best prayers are prayed as I go along. And so I will. Moment by moment, day by day.
In faith, I'm looking forward to the harvest.
massive mustard tree

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