If You Say So....Luke 5:4-7 (NASB)

From my September 18 blog post: "As I was waiting just beyond the finish line, I noticed the athletes as they came through. Some looked relieved, some looked elated, but many looked exhausted and spent and needed a few moments to slow themselves down." I sensed as I watched these athletes that this was a picture for me. From my October 18th blog post, "Crossing the Line" I describe how a difficult and painful season has come to an end for me. I have "crossed that line" and like those tired, weary athletes, God had a message already prepared for me: "You will need some time to catch your breath and to heal from this race. It was rigorous and exhausting and your soul needs extra care and time." Such kindness and tenderness from my Good Shepherd. Since this matter is "done" I am expected by those who know and love me to now, "move on" and "let it go." But my heart is still struggling with all those unanswered questions....

  THIS is the heart of God It was an inexplicable response - one that revealed the heart of the matter, God's heart. After the initial shock, my thoughts went to his pastor. His pastor who cared for him, prayed for him, eagerly awaited his return home from a long deployment, sent a care package overseas and must have been overjoyed upon his return. Just 5 days ago he was praying at the end of the church service-sounding very spiritual and righteous. Did his pastor know that, within less than one week, he would turn his ministerial credentials into the district superintendent, effectively ending his pastoral ministry? Ending his service at the church, signaling that he would not fight the lurid and detailed allegations leveled against him of sexual sin, emotional cruelty, immaturity and deception? I was in a church room, all by myself, waiting for a reception for my father-in-law, and I was stunned as I read the email. I actually had some difficulty breathing, I was so shocked. I ha...

Here are pictures of my daughter Chloe at her triathlon this last weekend. My younger daughter and I got there early, found Chloe and took these fun pictures. Then we waited near the finish line….and waited….and waited….and waited some more. They were taking down the signs when Chloe finally crossed that finish line. I couldn’t have been more proud. Me and my triathlete Chloe doesn’t do anything halfway. Once she puts her mind to something she is ALL IN. With her recent move down to Long Beach for school and adjusting to her new living situation, she didn't have a lot of time to train for her race. This was only her second triathlon. She had fun and I’m proud of her for finishing. As I was waiting just beyond the finish line, I noticed the athletes as they came through. Some looked relieved, some looked elated, but many looked exhausted and spent and needed a few moments to slow themselves down. It was interesting noting the different responses. I saw the cheerleading sections of d...

"We're going to follow the policies from the Church manual with this situation." Those were the words I had been waiting to hear for almost 8 months now. In fact, when I spoke with my pastor at the church I was attending, that was my question to him: how does the church handle these kinds of things? He didn't have an answer for me - but he should have. It's written in the policy manual for the church. Those policies are detailed and specific. They are quite stringent and they are fair . That is, they are based on biblical guidelines which are the wisdom and provision of God for grace and protection in ALL matters. She herself was rather cold and matter-of-fact, which is perfect for how she needs to be to approach this issue. She asked about the long time which had passed - more than two years - and I felt ashamed and discouraged at what felt like a criticism and an unspoken question: "Why did you wait so long to report it?" She didn't say...

My happiest summer picture in a field with cows nearby sitting in natural hot springs        So, my French exchange student left today. She had been here for 5 weeks and I struggled to relate to her. She was guarded and aloof and hardly ever said thank you. I complained about her a lot and it drove my daughters nuts. Towards the end of her stay, she overheard my comments. When I walked her to the customs gate at the airport, she seemed almost tearful, and I wasn't sure why. When I was driving home with my daughter Julia, she told me that Louise had overheard my negative comments about her and that she was really hurt. Ohh...snap! I talked to two daughters about my shitty attitude later and my mistake in even having an exchange student. My expectations were not met and it was so hard having a girl who almost never said thank you and didn't emote in many ways at all. She had a closed off energy about her and it was just...hard. I wish I had known earlier in the day bec...

      “You have it all” she said. I reflected on the context in which that statement was made from my therapist. I had described the agonizing decision I had made to send an email which I likened to, “Throwing a grenade into three church offices.” The email detailed descriptions of sexual sin and cruel, unkind behavior on the part of an ordained minister towards me. His refusal to acknowledge the sin we both committed and the immature, selfish way he avoided repentance and biblical reconciliation – several years after the fact – was detailed in that email. I tried so hard to “let it go and move on” but with the lack of any response from pastoral leadership – who should know better - I felt that the next step was to document everything in writing. Hence, the detailed email, complete with biblical references applied to the different actions described in the email.   I ran it through ChatGPT multiple times with various configurations and prompts added. I then re...