On the Other Hand….(new title!)

      It was mid-January 2025 and I had a bucket list item to "Go to a fancy dress up ball with a handsome man" but I would be able to check off the item with just "Go to a fancy dress ball." Daisy heard me mention this bucket list item and popped up with, "Why don't you go to the Art Deco Ball on Catalina with me and my dance group?" What....is...that...?! It's this! And this! Doesn't that look grand and fancy-dress-ball-bucket-list-check-off worthy?! I think so! I bought the 20's style dress, with matching feather and jewel head band right away as well as some proper dress shoes. My reasoning was that as I saw that beautiful dress hanging in the closet I would be motivated to go to dance classes which would allow me to actually dance - and sort of have fun doing it - while I looked ravishing in my gorgeous green and blue peacock sequined ball gown.      So, my next step was to start aforementioned dance lessons. I could only afford group ...

     It was Spring Break for Julia from Arcadia High School. I didn't plan any trips with her because I was working my regular job and subbing for a clinical job. I took her to Clocker's Corner at Santa Anita Race Track. We watched the horses at the end of their morning workout and had coffee, eggs and a muffin. We then went to the Arboretum across the street and enjoyed our walk amidst spring blooms everywhere. It was gorgeous!      Camille came into town the following day. We went wedding dress shopping with her and "oohhs" and "aahhs" were heard throughout the wedding dress shop as she tried on various dresses. The dress which won our hearts, however, was a $20 wedding dress which Daisy's boss had and was selling at a vintage clothing fair (the one at the top of this page). It needs some cleaning and alterations, but we loved the tasteful fairy princess vibe it gave off and Camille looked splendid in it.      We celebrated April birthdays ...

      This past Christmas was quite fabulous in many ways, starting with Christmas Eve. Tim and Josie (Tim's new wife) brought a new karaoke machine for the girls to sing along to. We played games, ate delicious food, laughed and had fun. The next day on Christmas other family came by as well as Josie and Tim. Fun was had by all and we ate heartily, laughed some more, gave gifts and celebrated being together for the holidays...mostly.      While in the kitchen Tim was helping me wash the dishes. We came close to each other in our movements around the kitchen and this ache of familiarity and comfort grabbed at me gently, strongly, so encompassing. How I missed my sweet ex-husband who, despite the grief and heartache of our marriage, had been my friend and companion for decades. In all the ugly, empty, heart-wrenching moments of my marriage, he always remained physically attractive to me.  Amidst the holiday celebrating, my heart ached in missing him. ...

 There are times when I'm brought back in my imagination to that place in the desert, the military base which I've constructed from actual photos. I can only imagine what it actually looked like to him. The photos are very few and limited in what they show. Day by day for about 6 months I imagined him waking and going to sleep. I tried to think about what his day looked like, although I had no idea. I read several books on military chaplains on deployment. I read about their duties, their locations, the challenges they faced and the things they did. I tried to picture him in many of these activities. Mostly, I saw him listening to service members share their struggles and he in turn giving counsel, guidance, comfort, and praying with them. That was not hard to imagine. It baffles me to this day, totally mystifies me, as to why I cared so much. Why was I so curious? Why do those memories drift across my consciousness now that I know there was another woman who was privy to all t...

       He asked me, again , to meet him in his room because he needed "to talk." Bipolar, mixed phase sliding toward the more depressive side, with notable paranoia. The other nurses and I had animated conversations about his constant, attention-seeking paranoid delusions as being just that - attention seeking and thus, behavioral in nature. I on the other hand, having taken care of him for several days throughout the week, noted the genuine fear in the paranoid delusions. "When I was in the ER, they gave me IV fluids and I think they poisoned me....When I was sleeping at the hospital before I came to this one, I think I got raped. My butt hurts....I got raped, I know it. I think I have HIV. I want an HIV test.....I have a headache, I think I have a brain tumor. I want a CT scan. Call the doctor NOW-I need an Xray of my head!"  And on and on the delusions went. I patiently attempted to address each one and, if need be, contact the doctor to see if further testin...

          The shift had started out fairly routine on the inpatient psychiatric unit I worked on. After getting my patient assignment I went to speak to each of my patients. One of my patients had very serious substance abuse problems and had told me about being a dancer and an artist* overseas in her earlier years. So, of course, I googled her name and yes, she had, in fact, been a very beautiful model at one time. The years of alcohol abuse, eating disorders, drug abuse, and multiple medical issues had aged her significantly. She had been physically beautiful with strawberry blonde hair, chiseled cheekbones, and clear aquamarine eyes. What remained was shades of her former beauty, wrinkles around those beautiful, now-faded blue eyes and blotchy skin. The most attractive thing about her was a sharp, intelligent and slightly sarcastic wit.  I liked her. We talked extensively about her life and I found her charming and brilliant, if not sad and aging i...