This past Christmas was quite fabulous in many ways, starting with Christmas Eve. Tim and Josie (Tim's new wife) brought a new karaoke machine for the girls to sing along to. We played games, ate delicious food, laughed and had fun. The next day on Christmas other family came by as well as Josie and Tim. Fun was had by all and we ate heartily, laughed some more, gave gifts and celebrated being together for the holidays...mostly.
While in the kitchen Tim was helping me wash the dishes. We came close to each other in our movements around the kitchen and this ache of familiarity and comfort grabbed at me gently, strongly, so encompassing. How I missed my sweet ex-husband who, despite the grief and heartache of our marriage, had been my friend and companion for decades. In all the ugly, empty, heart-wrenching moments of my marriage, he always remained physically attractive to me. Amidst the holiday celebrating, my heart ached in missing him.
On New Years morning, we were bringing chairs to Don Don's garage after having seen the New Years Rose Parade in person. We enjoyed seeing Chloe march and play in the Tournament of Roses Honor band. In handing Tim some chairs, I accidentally called him "honey." I realized my mistake and looked around to see if Josie was nearby. Thankfully, she was not. Old habits die hard. Yet, again, that pang of longing and comfort was painfully interrupted by the realization that I had called another woman's husband "honey."
I was proud of the fact that Tim and I got along so well after only 2 1/2 years since our divorce had been final. I was also grateful to God for his grace that I could be so welcoming and kind to my ex-husband's new wife. I was reminded that, "When a man's ways are pleasing to the Lord he makes even his enemies to live at peace with him." I endeavored to please God in all my ways and had responded with good will towards Tim during our divorce. The result was peace between us. The current state of our relationship is a testimony to God's work in each of our lives and his profound mercy to each of us and our children. It is supremely advantageous to our children that mom and dad, though divorced, get along so well. In the end, they are all who matter. They shouldn't have to suffer uncomfortable and tense holidays because their parents couldn't stay married.
As the holidays came to a close, I was relieved that it would be awhile till we had big family gatherings. I had seen Josie and Tim leave a family get together holding hands and it was hard to watch. Thinking about that moment and the holidays I kept revisiting my marriage vows. Though I had taken them hastily (after only 7 weeks of dating!) I had meant them. I struggled with the discouragement at breaking my vows when Tim and I divorced. The covenant we made before God had been broken. But...had it totally been broken? Part of my vows included, "To honor and cherish till death do us part." Could I still "honor and cherish" Tim in a way that didn't include emotional or physical intimacy, but would still be categorized as "honoring and cherishing" in the way I treated him? I did show him honor and respect and I cherished the role he had in my children's lives. He was kind and generous to me in many ways still and I cherished that. Although I didn't "obey or submit" to him anymore, I did consider his opinion where logistics and plans with our kids were concerned. I did communicate with him and invite him, Josie and his father (Don Don) to family functions. In fact, we had all celebrated the 4th of July at the beach together. Most importantly, my heart was kind and forgiving toward him and that mattered to God the most. I am not bitter towards Tim nor do I rehearse the ways he hurt me in our marriage. I haven't forgotten the painful dynamics in our marriage, and I am still healing and exploring the effect my marriage had on me, but I am not enslaved to those emotions.
As I was praying and thinking through this idea covenant keeping, I felt encouraged by God that I had, in fact, kept the spirit of the covenant with my ex-husband. The part I was lamenting to God was how hard it was at times. God revealed to me that keeping covenants is costly. It was costly to God and Jesus to come down to earth and die for people's sins. The effects of Christ's covenant to his Father, kept perfectly, cannot even be measured. The Father was pleased with his son's sacrifice. In some tiny, teensy way, the pain of keeping my covenant to be kind to my ex-husband, even though it hurts me, will perhaps be enormously overshadowed by the good that comes from it in the years to come.
Pondering this possibility, I feel the ache of past memories being edged out by my Father's pleasure and his reassurance that I am doing his will. Nothing on earth is more important to me than that.
