Blessed Surrender

      It was one of the scariest moments of my adult life - the reality that I could be fired from my job. As I walked out of that massive hospital into the cool air, walkin the two blocks to the parking structure and to my car, the events of that afternoon confrontation weighed heavily on me. Heavy on my emotions, my nervous system and my mind.

     "Are you ready for the survey?" the overeager CNO asked me in the hallway as I was bringing a hamper back to the laundry room in the core hallway. He was coming out of C unit and caught me by surprise. I looked at him and turned slightly away, waving my hand toward him and saying, "I just sent you an email. We'll talk later." We were alone in the hallway and just 10 minutes earlier, I had told a coworker, "Don't let me talk to Patrick. I just sent him an email expressing my concern that he canceled a staffing meeting to finally help us problem solve and hear our concerns. I really don't want to see him!" My coworker nodded understandingly as he understood that I had seen the CNO in the B unit talking to nurses there just moments earlier. I avoided him - until our chance meeting occurred. 

     I stared at him, my back halfway in the doorway of the laundry room and him standing about 5 feet in front of me. He repeated the question, with too much enthusiasm. I was extremely uncomfortable and slowly shook my head and said soberly, "No. I have my concerns." He looked alarmed, and his whole body looked like a startled cat, whose hair was standing up on its back, and said in shock, "Do you want us to lose our funding?!" I was taken aback by his accusatory tone while my back was literally halfway in a doorway and I had nowhere to go. I stared at him again, nervous and extremely uncomfortable, and he repeated it again, with greater force, "Do you want the hospital to lose its funding?!?!" Feeling verbally accosted, I shot back at him, firmly saying, "Of course I don't! Do you?! I am acutely aware of how serious things are and that's why I've been working so hard to advocate for safer staffing!!" He stepped back and became red, angry, and said, "You don't have to yell at me!" He then started to walk away in an agitated gait, then turned around, yelling, "You cannot talk to me that way! You cannot disrespect me like that!" And then, according to the video footage seen later during the investigatory meeting I was dragged into 1 1/2 weeks later, he took several steps away from me, then turned around again and started to walk back at me, raising his right arm and yelling, "You cannot talk to me that way! I'm going to document all of this!!" I recall standing there, staring as he raised his arm, red, shaking yelling, and looking crazy out of his mind, waving his arm up in the air, and saying, "I am sorry for yelling at you. I shouldn't have done that." And he turned to walk away again and I turned and went into the laundry room.

     The grace of God was immediately poured out and "God was an ever present help in times of trouble" because at that moment Daniel, my faithful labor rep, called me and I saw it on my iwatch. I ran back to the unit and grabbed my phone and went back to the laundry room, calling Daniel back and telling him, "This just happened!" I was upset and crying - not the first time Daniel has heard me cry in the laundry room. He calmly reassured me and directed me to take a short break then write down what happened and get ear witness statements, which I did later that afternoon.

     I was able to calm down and put on a cheerful face. No one heard me yell; they heard me apologize. They saw Patrick waving his arms and running off afraid. I had a lovely coworker whom I was able to share what had just happened as we sat on the deck with patients walking around and enjoying the afternoon. God's loveliness surrounded me and felt his comfort through my sweet coworker's presence. 

     And perhaps the moment of true maturity, where the fruit of God's spirit and his character building over decades came to a sweet savory moment: "God gave me this job and God can take it away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." And the peace of surrendering to the truth - yet again - and that I belong to him and he has given me everything I have and it ALL BELONGS TO HIM - enveloped me as I crossed the busy street next to the ER and headed past the university fleet repair station and into the parking structure. I will leave when God decides I will leave and not a second sooner. 

Blessed be the name of the Lord.



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